I am a birth mom

I love how the world thinks I should have moved on. I’m sorry that it takes everything I have to get out of bed and go to work or school with a smile on my face. I hurt all the time so the next time you want to yell at me or take your problems out on me remember I have my own and I don’t put them on you. I want to cry and scream and never get out of bed but I do I make it.
So this is me a birth mom just trying to make it through and be responsible. Next time you see me or a birth mom try to remember I’m hurting and grieving.

20131108-094100.jpg

Advertisements

What I have been thinking about

I don’t have much to say today except I miss Little. I miss her so much it hurts all the time, I didn’t know it was possible to miss someone this much. I feel as though I can’t breathe because it hurts so much.
While I’m grateful I was able to be strong enough to bless so many lives and while I was strong enough to go through this heart ache so others could end and Little would hopefully never feel it. I’m also angry a lot that I was. This heart ache was my fault I did this. And all I want is to hold my baby to kiss her and feel her soft skin and hear her laugh. These past 5 months have past so fast and slow all at the same time.

Plainly it’s hard

So today I thought I would give an update on how I’ve been feeling. I seem to be doing better I still fight the years everyday but I’m handling my downs a lot better of course this could be the anti depressant or simply time passing makes is easier like everyone says.
I would not recommend pills to everyone and I fought with the decision but finally I needed some relief I wasn’t doing terrible at work and school and that doesn’t help anyone. The pain was taking over and getting to be too much. I am also seeing a therapist in hopes she can help me through it all and so far she is amazing and really helping slowly. I always feel better when I leave her office.
I miss Little I know I’m going to miss Little everyday for the rest of my life but my only hope is that missing will get easier. I love the random pictures I get and videos from B they always help.
I could never understand the pain of infertility and it pains me that’s something B and S and so many other couples deal with. I only know the pain my arms feel for wanting to hold Little. I miss my baby and there is no sugar coating that. But finally it feels as though there is a light at the end of the tunnel and maybe this opening festering wound may finally start healing.

Last Night at Work

Last night I headed into work ready to go I had my butterfly wing necklace reminding me how strong and amazing I am and that S and B love me. It was my thought to myself to spread my wings because Little was spreading hers. I also wore my red lipstick to give me that extra boost of strength I needed. Countless people said Little had perfect lip stick lips so my red red lips were for her.

Well after all this explanation I was ready for work and having a great day. And then 3 teenage girls walked in the building with a 1 month old. I don’t know the whole story but they missed the last bus to get home and started begging customers for a ride home. It was hard watching this. So finally I decided to have the manager call a taxi and I would pay for the ride home. I jus couldn’t stare at these girls with this 1 month old anymore.

I just wish the word of adoption would spread because while its hard, it has to be better than a 15 year old mother who gets all dressed up, and take her 1 month old out but wont call her mother when she misses the bus to get home.  Maybe I’m being to one minded but it still was painful to watch. just don’t understand how this girl can have her baby and I sit here and miss Little every single day.

I know I made the right decision but I cant help and think sometimes I wish I was more selfish, although I’m thankful I’m not for Little. It a constant battle.

National Adoption Month

Well it’s national adoption month so I’m going to try and make a post everyday I know I already missed the first day but we all aren’t perfect so big or small I’m going to try to post everyday a little something about adoption or about me or about being a birth mom.

Well I saw Littles birth father and it was hard. I was having a great time with the guy I’m dating and we were leaving the theme park and looked to the left and there he was standing there. It was crazy I mean out of all the time and places this is when I would see him. I haven’t seen him in over a year and haven’t talked to him since April.

It was hard I wants to scream and yell and punch him and all I did was run into a dark corner and fall to the ground. He hurt me bad, telling me I was young and stupid for choosing life and then not wanting anything to do with me or Little it really messes with your head. There is a lot that I am hurt by and pain I’m sure will take time to heal but this brings me to my point.

It also hurts that’s Little may not know him I believe she deserves that but I am determined not to be the reason why I will never hide the truth from her and always tell her my side of the story since that’s all I know. But I won’t inflict bad thoughts or negative feelings about her birth father that will be up to her to decide. She can allow her information to be know for him and he can do the something for her. I will not be the reason.

Having said that I also don’t want to give him anything to use against me such as yelling and punching him. So while I’m hurt and angry I will try my best to move on so that Little doesn’t feel as though she needs to hate him too. It’s time to forgive some how.

S and B truly the right parents!

I know my posts have been a little sad lately but wanted to
make sure and share the feeling and emotions of everything because that is my
story and I deserve to tell it fully and honestly and Little deserves that too.

But today even though my in pain and my heart feels broken
into a million pieces and I have a ton of things to get done and all I want is
to stay in bed and cry I thought I would focus on Little’s amazing parents.

Now I know I’m a little biased but Little’s parents are
really amazing. This adoption hasn’t been easy on anyone including Little. She
has adjust so well and bonded with S and B amazingly and knows who mommy and
daddy are, which I am forever grateful. I’m sure their were moment no one could
understand that she was confused too in the beginning but I made sure to play S
and B voice reading to her while in the womb so that she knew them and knew
that I loved them and she would love them too, Just as she does. You can see it
every time her mommy speaks or daddy moves she follows them and has huge smiles
for them. And that smile can melt your heart.

My point after all this rambling is it hasn’t been easy but
S and B have made it a lot easier than it would have been. I know that I’m
having a terrible day I can ask B to skype and if she can she will take the
time so I can see Little. I can text her and ask for a picture of course I get
them all the time but recently I had a terrible nightmare about Little and just
needed to see her face but was on my way to school so I thought I would simply
ask for a picture instead and reassurance that they tell her of my love every day.
Because I do love her so much. I didn’t know who could love someone as much as
I love Little.

They have been nothing but kind and understand and loving I mean
I sure all parents love to share pictures with people I know I love showing
them off to my close friends but they didn’t just get Little they kind of got a
birth mom too and I’m sure when planning a family that wasn’t their first
choice but I think they are happy with plan B but still it is plan B not A.

I’m just forever grateful for how understanding and loving
they have been through everything. Yesterday was a hard day not really because
of Little but school was just plain annoying stupid drama and things just weren’t
great anyway, I started my evening class and things were improving people were
commenting great things about a rice dish I had made for everyone to taste so
we could learn about menu descriptions, long story short, we were taking a 10
min break so I thought I would check my phone and there it was a text from “Little”
B sent a picture of Little in her pjs, next to her sock monkey that I have as
well and a little note saying “Hi birth mommy.” This little text message made
my whole day better and I was just smiling and giggly and just a million times
lighter. It was amazing.

I hadn’t ask for a text or a picture and hadn’t talked to B
all day but just random she sends me a note from Little. If this doesn’t speak
to how amazing they are I don’t know what does. There are a large amount of
different things I could share but I won’t this one just made everything better
yesterday so I thought I would share this one.

Potential birth moms out there, know it’s hard this is the
hardest thing I have ever done, but finding the right couple that you can truly
be friends with and agree on the type of adoption you want makes all the
difference. I would probably not be here right now if it wasn’t for the amazing
friendship I have with Little’s parents for this I am grateful.

One Year!

It has been a crazy year! I found out I was pregnant chose life, and then chose adoption. This past year has been the hardes, most taxing physically and emotionally that I have ever had. From being on my feet for 12 hours to picking a couple to hand my child to.

I have met some amazing people and gained an amazing family. There were many tear filled nights and there are many more to come.

I will continue to survive and make I day by day. Little is save and loved and that’s all that matters.

Little I loved you from the moment I knew I would be your mommy, thank you for giving me this past year and for saving me. Thank you for choosing me to be your birth mom I will wear my title with honor everyday. I love you with everything that  am and couldn’t and wont imagine my life without you.

You are special and never forget that. you have a mommy and daddy that love you so much and waited so long for you. I picked them special for you and I know you mean the world to them. You also will always have me. I will forever be here for you and support you and love you. I will do anything for you happiness and to give you the life you deserve.

Thank you for this past year I am who I am today because of you. I love you Little!

 

20130929-185625.jpg

Needing to just get away

I’ve been trying to just power through and keep busy but I have a constant headache and feel like I’m going to pass out all the time, all things my therapist says are connected to my emotional drama. I really wish I could find a way to snap my fingers and be okay. Sadly it’s not that simple.

I could be having a great day and all of a sudden I see some thing, hear something and I’m fighting the tears.

Monday I was okay nothing special but focused on school and then work that night, and then up pops an email from y social worker. Over the weekend my paper work got recognized and Little is free and clear to be adopted. Is this what I wanted sure, did I sign my name a millions times, knew it was coming sure of course I did. But in that moment I thought I would lose it. I want to disappear again, cry till there were no more tears, scream, curl up into a little ball in the corner. But I couldn’t, I had to finish school, and head to work.
So in the way to work I bought myself a huge bow. When Little was first born I bought a hug flower and huge bow for her, so I thought in honor of our relationship and to remind myself how amazing I am I bought something pretty.

I am surviving, is this the hardest thing in my life? Yes. Does my heart feel broken? Yes. Are there days I think I won’t survive? Yes.

But I will power through for Little, I will continue to make those choices to not give up because that’s what Little deserves. I need to be a birth mom she can be proud of. I refuse to fall off the deep end!

20130919-114326.jpg

Call Me Crazy

Well it has been a crazy week, I think my body finally gave
out, I have strep. After feeling like crap in class Wednesday night and not
even being able to stay for my second class I spent all of Thursday in pain and
worn out, body aches, fever, throat killing me, and dehydrated. Finally at 4am I
called out for my mom and after looking down my throat she decided that we need
to go to the hospital, so at 4am we headed to the hospital where they decided
it was strep, one huge shot of penicillin, steroid, two breathing treatments, 2
liters of fluids and 4 hours later we went home. Getting home I showered and
slept most of the day and finally feeling a little better. So while my body is
getting the rest it needs I can’t work till Monday which completely sucks but
what can I do. So I will take it easy rest up so I can go back with full force Monday,
I have a GM to impress.

I was able to Skype with Little this week it was amazing. I
love to just sit and look at her, she is so amazingly beautiful. Everything she
does is cute and I love hearing about all the little things she does. I miss her
so much. Call me crazy but I think she remembers me. She is always looking for
mommy and daddy which is a comfort to know she has bonded so well with them, but
it nice to think she remembered me. There are times when I call her Little over
Skype and she gets this look in her eyes. I know she is too little to truly
actively remember me but I think on a deeper level no in her active mind she remembers
me. This has been a great comfort to me.

While Skyping and talking to B I came to a realization, I am
a birth mom, how cool is that. I truly took hold of that, taking maternity
pictures, having a birth photographer, planning on a beauty water birth. I
believe in a life before this one Little choose me. Not only did she choose S
and B to raise her but she choose me to give birth to her. What an honor that
she would want me to the one to take care of her growth for nine months and
then bring her into this world. So although I miss her with everything that I am
will try to focus on the fact that she wanted me in her life.

There will be hard days for the rest of my life but I know
there will be good ones too because I know I made the right choice for my baby.
Little you are my everything and I will do everything I can to make you proud
of me everyday. This is only the BEGINNING!

Wanting to Just Disapear

I wish there was a hole or a place were i could go and just work, go to school, see the guy I’m dating and forget about the rest of it. That is not to say forget about Little but the pain this has brought me. Right now loving Little is killing me, wanting to see her, hold her, smell her, be there for her is killing me, and the worst part of all she doesn’t even need me. My part is done right, i grew her, nurtured her in the womb, tried my very best to give her an all natural water birth, no medications, no ultrasounds, no dopler. But instead she was cut out of me, and there is nothing i can do about it. She is formula fed and there is nothing short of moving to where S and B live I can do about it. She doesn’t even look like me. Everyone keeps saying how much of S and B they see and its killing me. After all of this and she doesn’t even look like me. How is any of this fair why me a typically good person is this happening to me. I dont want to be the strong one any more I’m sick of it. I would have been perfectly okay just leaving a normal life no special trials, no unbelievably hard tasks. Can we just fast foreword to where this is liveable because right now it’s taking over. Between this taking up 85% to 90%  of my brain power and thinking time, school for 7 hours Monday – Thursday all day Wednesday and working 30 hours a week, I’m exhausted. I so far don’t like the person I am right now and I wish I could just dissapear into a place where there is just work, school, and E. But that’s not possible whats done is done and I just want to scream. Please someone just remove my thoughts in my head, let me escape. I just want to sleep all the time and not think about my heart broken in two. Why is this so hard? How is any of this fair? Why can’t I not have a sense of responsibility? I had a dear friend change my password on my Facebook because right now it’s just too much, will the bittersweet ever end. So that brings me to my end of rambling, I have to get ready for school and then work later tonight all while fighting bursting into tears. Someone please give me the strength i need because right now I don’t have it.