Happy 2nd Birthday

I find as Little birthday get closer and closer it’s hard to breathe. Last year I was able to spend her first birthday with her and celebrate with friends and family, help make the food and even her cake.

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But this year, I will be able to Skype in the morning then head to work at 3pm. While E and I are going to disneyland as our own celebration and this makes me look forward to something, it’s also killing me inside. I won’t be there I can see her blow out the candle watch as she opens present it’s just one more thing I’m missing.
I am so very grateful to be included in her life and I love every chance I get to be there for her. I know I made the right choice or course I would never question that. I love her family,  my family. I know they always are thinking of me and making sure I’m involved.
I guess I should just suck it up and look at the positives right, but some how that’s is much harder this time.  Every breath is work and heart beat feels likes it’s under a brick. It’s this what it is to feel like you will collapse at any moment.
How do I make this easier what do I think of, how do I go back to work and make it through the shift. I feel like I’m dying and every where around  no one gets it, or sees it. I must smile I must take care of the guests and hope that my heart keeps beating and my lungs don’t give out. And then Sunday will come and then the next day will be Monday and I will have survived.

Holidays

With mothers day coming up holidays are on my mind and i thought i would write a blog post about it.

I would assumed most people would think that mother’s day is a very hard holiday and truth be told even from my first mother’s day it wasn’t hard at all. Possibly being in the service industry and mother’s day being so busy I kind of forget it but I’m not nervous and I don’t ache for Little that day and I don’t feel like about to cry at any moment.

This mostly likely because I’m not a traditional mother I’m a Birth Mom and therefore my day is Saturday and I have Birth Mother’s Day. I have always felt special and I’m never worried about being glanced over.

There are other holidays where I tend to be close to tears the whole time, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I can never make it through Christmas so far with out breaking down at some point during the festivities. I always get to Skype and see Little open her presents and listen to her being excited and play and laugh which bring joy to my heart every time and feels me up but being around everyone and seeing all the kids run around brings me to tears and sobbing every time.

I don’t know if this will ever change I do hope so I want to look forward to christmas and the joy of being around everyone but for now it’s hard.

For now I look forward to mother’s day because of the pain it wont bring and I’m nervous for how busy we will be at work.

Sorry I Vanished

I know it’s been a year since I last wrote well longer. Where we left off was a dark place I was having a hard time. I didn’t know if i would survive.

Around that time i was planning a trip with my boyfriend E we would be going to Las Vegas for his birthday, Little and her parents would be in Arizona for Thanksgiving a short 8 hours away. Well E told me to ask if i could come they said of course and there she was.

My Little, words will never describe how I felt that visit, playing, singing, rocking her, smelling her just being near her. I was everything I needed. And E knew that. I will forever be grateful for him giving me the strength to ask for a visit.

Since then I will give you a short version with the highlight to catch up completely is not possible. But lately I have felt the need for an outlet and so here I am writing.

Since November 2013

1. My brother and his wife had a baby a beautiful little boy. He is amazing and so much fun.

2. I received a promise ring from E. (To be my prince charming).

3. I visited Little and spent her first birthday with her. I very special and eye opening visit and I’m sure most posts to come on that one but I will forever be grateful I could wish her a happy birthday and be a small part of it.

4. I moved in with E. We lived 2 hours away and driving all that way wasn’t getting any easier. So I transferred work locations and moved on in. We live with his mom, and actually plan on making this our family home with E and his mom both on the title.

5. I received two promotions at work. Which has been a blessing and a curse in many ways.

6. S got a promotion and they all moved, closer which I love.

7. Little became a big sister. B just had a baby boy a little over a month ago and I’m so happy for them and M is perfect and handsome.

I would say those are the highlights. I can make no promises on how often I will write. Till then I think this is what I need.

Birth Mommy Gen

These are my thoughts and mine alone. I try to no offend anyone.

Days like these

Days like these I just want to hold her and smell her. I just want to tell my baby I love her and miss her. I would never change my mind and hurt so many people but there are days where I just want to be with her. I will be okay I know I will I have to but it still hurts. I have to go to work and go to school but some days I wish I could forget the world and just be with Little.

Gratitude

Today I’m so thankful for all the support I have in thankful everyday but being able to see a therapist who has been able to help me through my emotions has been great I always feel better when leaving her office.

Responsibility

I hurt for Little! I want to be near her and hold her and kiss her and tell her I love her. But I can’t wait I can’t do that I won’t be able to do that for some time. Less than 11 days is what I got with my baby and it hurts. I want to scream and curl up into a ball and cry and grieve this loss I have but I can’t because I have work and school and those thing don’t stop just because you placed your child for adoption. I know she is safe and loved and cared for and told about me and I get pictures and videos all the time but I miss my Little I want my Little. I just want to hold her and kiss her.
I love you Little with everything that I am. You are my everything and always know that I will put your needs ahead of my own.
This pain is mine and I will make it through someday till then at least waiting arms are waiting no more and a child has more love than she will ever know.

Smoking while pregnant

There are so many people out there that would do anything for a baby and you think its okay yo smoke really. why not my this one sacrifice for your child. i would do anything for my Little anything at all and mean whole your willing to taker this chance for their health and you get to not feel this pain really sometimes this world really sucks. If someone who would do anything for a baby cant have their one and there has to be so much pain mean while you can, thats bull crap.
http://www.m.webmd.com/baby/smoking-during-pregnancy

Grateful for an open adoption

Told was an okay day at wok but for some reason on the way home the pain of missing Little got worse, and I just needed her I needed to see her. So I sent a text to B asking if we could Skype or if she would be willing o take a video and send it. Not even 5 min later I got a text saying, Lets Skype! It was just want I needed to tell Little I love her and missed her have her respond to things I was saying.
I’m so grateful her parents are so willing to be open and understanding.

Missing her

I miss my baby! Sometimes it hurts so much I wonder if I will make it to the end of the day. I know her being happy and healthy should be enough but some days it seems like nothing will make it better. I want to hold her I want to play with her and sing to her and kiss her see her smile. I miss her so much. Someone please give me the strength I need because today I’m on the verge of tears and I just don’t have the time to break down. I miss her! I miss my Little!