I find as Little birthday get closer and closer it’s hard to breathe. Last year I was able to spend her first birthday with her and celebrate with friends and family, help make the food and even her cake.
But this year, I will be able to Skype in the morning then head to work at 3pm. While E and I are going to disneyland as our own celebration and this makes me look forward to something, it’s also killing me inside. I won’t be there I can see her blow out the candle watch as she opens present it’s just one more thing I’m missing.
I am so very grateful to be included in her life and I love every chance I get to be there for her. I know I made the right choice or course I would never question that. I love her family, my family. I know they always are thinking of me and making sure I’m involved.
I guess I should just suck it up and look at the positives right, but some how that’s is much harder this time. Every breath is work and heart beat feels likes it’s under a brick. It’s this what it is to feel like you will collapse at any moment.
How do I make this easier what do I think of, how do I go back to work and make it through the shift. I feel like I’m dying and every where around no one gets it, or sees it. I must smile I must take care of the guests and hope that my heart keeps beating and my lungs don’t give out. And then Sunday will come and then the next day will be Monday and I will have survived.